i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
