good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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