4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize