He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
