I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
