Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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