I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
