i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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