Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
