So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
