why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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