Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
