Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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