You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I love you. Go after that dick
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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