You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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