It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
