the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
