Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
