He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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