YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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