my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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