Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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