you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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