Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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