so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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