Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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