Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
