Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
