she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
