did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
