i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
