That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
