i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
