Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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