Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
