if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
