Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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