areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
