I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
