I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
