no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
