I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
ok first of all what the fuck
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
