I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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