he wants to bone in the snuggie
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
