If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
