I wish my penis had an off switch
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
