Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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