i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
