he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
