if i can run in heels then i can drive
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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