don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
