I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
