Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
PANTIES FOUND
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