my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize