I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
