he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize