Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
