i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
