How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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