An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
