There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
