Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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