I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
