ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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