Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
