I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
